I saw you at the bar, so I spoke. I saw you on the field, so I spoke. I saw you on the dance floor and again I spoke. Along the way something broke. My spirit, feelings, and control of myself. And my respect, opinion, and feelings for you. Keith Urban sang, “blue isn’t your color”, but I say, “nice isn’t yours”. You’ve continued to spell this out to me on numerous occasions. Me being me, I assume we’re moving to a better place. It’s a merry go round. Spinning makes me dizzy, so I say from this day forward, I’m done. I’m more of a see-saw kind of guy anyway. So enjoy it, continue to smile. I’m going to. I always do. I’ll even smile at you because I’m better. Happy Life!
Disclaimer, I cannot drive a race car. Let alone park my own car, but that’s besides the point. This is about how my heart and mind were on a racetrack and my heart beat my mind for once. Looking back on things I had never felt such a rush.
Lap 1: You both had so much in common. Sports, music, movies, educated. The one thing you both had/have is my heart. I didn’t realize this until after. I’m with you, but I’m texting you saying, “I miss you”! But who’s who? Who am I? Why am I so lost?
Lap 2: Now you’re gone and I can focus on you. But what’s gonna happen when you get back? It didn’t work out for you, but now this is working out for me. So what do I do? Follow my heart. I did this for a reason and I think it’s the right step to take.
Lap 3: Happy Birthday! You’re back. Im stuck. Conflicted! Confused! Scared! My mind has caught up. That’s the worst part. What do I tell you, while you are waiting for me? I don’t speak. I know what I want, but I know I can’t have it.
Pitstop: Things are different with you and not in a good way. I’m starting to sense it, but I know you both have lives as well as do I. But it’s still strange. Now I have to speak up because I can’t be played for a fool.
Lap 4: I should’ve stayed in the pitstop longer. My tires popped mid turn. Now I’m stuck. I’m by myself and with nothing but the memories. Four laps too many. Am I happy my mind caught up to my heart? I’m still undecided. I know one thing though, this isn’t over. Or is it?
We all get that question of what are we most afraid of. I usually give a mediocre answer. Something along the lines of being alone, geckos, the dark, or being stung by a bee. When in all actuality, those are just quick responses to move on to the next topic of conversation in order to hide what I’m truly afraid of. Throughout life we all have different levels of self discovery and lately I’ve had a new one. As I near 30 tomorrow, I know what I’ve been afraid of. I’ve been afraid of myself. Allowing myself to be happy, to love, and to just be. I hold myself back from so many things in fear of the unknown and judgement of others. Always in my head and over analyzing every step I take. Making sure everyone else is good before me. Well, it’s time to make some changes and take some chances. These past 5 years that I’ve been in Austin have really helped me to grow as a person. I’m a whole person. I’ve been exposed to some really great people and have done some truly amazing things. And to be honest, I am told that I am pretty awesome, so I’m going to start embracing that! So moving forward it’ll be pure grawesomeness with a side of savagery. I’m gonna make some right moves and some wrong moves, but I’m ready for it. I’m welcoming myself and you all to 30 with me. Let’s do this! Eeooowww
Dating apps: It’s the first place we “met”. Dinner you suggested, that was our next step.
Text messages: They’re how we connect. We still keep in contact, but it’s not the same since you left.
No: It’s what I said, but not what I meant. You left me for five weeks, but I found out how they were spent.
Brunch: Mimosas on mimosas, we’d drink those as our meal. Had I known what I was missing, I’d literally be a bucket of feels.
Forward: The direction we’re both moving in and there’s no looking back. So I burn down the tavern with one single match.
As I near 30, yes I’ve accepted it, there are some things I personally want to accomplish. I’m not going to make a long list of things, but just some self declarations I wanted to share. I read a really great article the other day about “added value”. This applies to people, things, and ourselves. If you aren’t surrounding yourself with people who are adding value to your life, they may, no they need to go. There’s no question about that. For me, I will be doing this. Also, if I’m not adding value to your life, remove me. Chances are we don’t communicate anyway so I won’t notice. If you’re holding on to grudges, regrets, resentment, or any type of negativity, let that go. When you think about it, who’s it hurting more? You’re the one waking up every morning pissed at a person or situation that only you can change. Live in your own truth. I will be doing my best to make sure I’m my best self, best son, best friend, best brother, best cousin, best employee, best grandson, best nephew, you name it. I’m trying to just do my best. It’s January, so I’ve got plenty of time to get it in line. I’m not doing it just because I’m turning 30 though. I’m doing it because I need/want to. But setting a 6 month goal to get on my grind isn’t going to hurt me. Some of us need to learn what goals are and set realistic ones at that. For that, Happy 2018 y’all. Let’s make this a great year and just do things the way we see fit for our character. If people complain, let them, they aren’t you! Go live your best life!
It started out with a “Happy Birthday”. Which led to a shared love for tacos, margaritas, and some good music. We were in the same city together yet again, but were determined to get to know each other this time around. You got along with my friends and I got along with yours. I liked you and you liked me, but sometimes things aren’t the way I always plan them in my little mind. I paint those perfect pictures of life in my mind hoping it’s going to be what it is. Then reality sets in and you get that TKO. Ugh, what is life sometime? The good thing is, you did let me down easy. That was definitely a play on words with Billy Currington. Anyway, I’m trailing… I even wore a new outfit for our third date, thinking, hoping, and wishing for all the best. You let me know that friends was all you wanted to be. I remember we stayed and chatted and I was completely checked out not knowing what to do. Should I stay? Should I go? It was a flight, fright, or freeze moment. I completely froze. Mentally I was shook, but physically I had to play it cool as if I were ok. When we separated, I think I finally came back to my senses as I felt the tears rushing. That drive back to San Marcos listening to John Mayer pulled everything emotion out of me. Months went by and there was silence. All I could think about was your smile and the concert tickets I purchased for us to go to. And we still attended. Talk about a rough show. Thankfully I’ve seen the group 3 times now, the last time on my own. I’m super thankful for our friendship though. As hard as it was for me to get myself in that place I am so happy I was able to. Having you in my life is the real TKO…
Being left on “read” is one thing, ghosting someone is an entirely different story. It amazes me at times how you can go sit at a Starbucks for lets say a three hour date and chat with someone about all things and then nothing. You text them and they take 3-4 days to respond. Not hours, days. And then there’s no apology or explanation. Just a continuance of whatever you may have been talking about. I’m sorry, but I’m in an entire different headspace from Monday to Thursday. I can’t really say I would want to even continue a conversation. Now, with my friends we have an established relationship where that can be ok at times. But we know what’s going on. If we’re onto the start of something new i.e. dating, I don’t think that’s the way to go about it. My uncle told me a long time ago, “The worst thing someone can say to you is “no””. I cannot begin to tell you how that changed the game for me. Honestly, ladies and gentleman, it is far better to just tell someone “no”, rather than thinking they’ll get the hint. But oh you don’t want to be that way and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Or maybe you don’t care about their feelings? Either way, it’s always better to be straight up if you’re not feeling it. Ghosting people is such a basic move. You wanna stop texting me, but you wanna be my Snapchat friend, chat on Instagram and retweet me… Please go away. Do not pass go! Do not collect $100! Go directly to jail!
I’m guilty of this from time to time, but I have found myself becoming a lot better. The first amendment gives us all the right to freedom of speech, yes we’re all aware. Well some of us are or act like we are. Has anyone heard of the first and a half amendment? No? Well let me introduce to the 1.5 Amendment: Minding your own business. It’s pretty straight forward and I made it up. You tend to what you need to and stop worrying about what he, she, they, and Mary are doing. What are you doing? Also, stop filling others in on people you know they don’t care to hear about. It might make your life a bit easier if you focus on you and not the affairs of how someone else is living a better life than you. So what? Let them live. They may have worked harder than you. They may not have. But in the grand scheme of things, it ain’t your business. Somebody was engaged and now they’re single, that’s cute for them. Ask them how they’re doing. Don’t spread negative thoughts about them though, they know. You saw somebody on a gay dating app that you know is straight, good. Let them find things out on their own. Take a screenshot and keep the receipt. If your friends motto is “Heaux Es life”, let that heaux, heaux. You just don’t touch them. Live your best life, I guarantee the people your wasting your time talking about are living theirs. Mind your own business.
You know how there are some drinks you have that sneak up on you, and before you know it you’re so far gone that you don’t know what happened? If you have never experienced this, more power to your life. I have one though, but I have steered clear of it for almost a year now. But for about two years, I couldn’t stay away. I literally would lose focus of everything in an instant. While having an almost euphoric time, once I realized how temporary this feeling was, I would try and find ways to make it last longer. I loved this drink, feeling, moment, etc.. But one day, I woke up with a disgusting hangover and I only drank one. I still feel the memories of the hangover from time to time. Who knew a drink could have so much of an impact? I’m never gonna try those again for any type of entertainment purposes. I think I’ll switch back to tequila and whiskey, the vodka was never really my scene. Should’ve learned that in college.
One thing I enjoy in life are the simple things. With that in mind, I want to get back to writing. When I first graduated college I starting writing a book on my life from senior year of high school up to graduating college. I only made it to freshman year of college, but I want to continue it. My thought is to put small parts of it on here and see what kind of feedback I receive. I want my thoughts to be out there on what I truly thought about my experience. Let me know what y’all think.